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Day 28 - Falling in Love

When was the last time you had that feeling of happiness? That whenever he looks at you, he smiles at you, your heart races like crazy. When his hands hold yours, when he's jealous of someone, when his stares create a burning sensation on your face, did you not expected it to end? Did you think that it'll last forever? Did you wish for a lifetime of that feelings, along with those marks he leave on every part of your memories?   

How great would that be? Loving someone without hesitation, believing that all the efforts and the things you've done will never fade, hoping that you and him will stay the same. But unlike fairytales, the reality is more cruel. Not everyone will get the happy ending they wanted, not everyone can risks after their hearts has been shattered. 

"Hey?" He said after a long time of silence between us. His sigh felt so heavy that it felt like he is really having a hard time with his decision. But no matter what, it's his choice, it is what he wants. 

"How did we end up this way? I thought everything's perfect and flawless. I can't understand. I don't want to." I answered him, still confused of our situation, still hoping that it's just a bad dream. 

"I'm sorry, okay? I know that it's my fault. Falling out of love is my mistake. But I just can't pretend everything's fine. I still care for you the way I always did. I don't want to hurt you continuously." His words are sincere, his eyes are almost crying, his gestures made this whole conversation in tension. 

I know that he still cared for me. I know that when you fall inlove with a person, their part on your heart can't just be erased. But seeing him, falling inlove with someone else is killing me. It feels like grinding my heart, tearing it into pieces, burning it until it melt down to nothingness. 

"Do you love her? Are you sure about her?" I asked him, closing my eyes while waiting for the answer that would crumble everything I hold for these past ten years. 

"She is my everything. I can't live without her." He said, hesitant but honest. That's what I love about him. He won't lie to me. He just can't. For the first time on our relationship, I wish that he lied. I am hoping that everything he's confessing now is all my imagination. 

"Go. Go now. But remember how precious this person you're leaving right now. You won't be able to come back. You can't come back." I said after  a deep breath. My stares returning his. My tears flowing on my cheeks. His face plastered with guilt and regret. 

A few minutes passed before he nods and leave my house, before he leaves my life and totally breaks my heart. 

I wonder how can I cope up on this torment. I wonder how can I stand on this lost. He was everything to me, he became the world I wanted to be in. And now that he's gone, I realize that I need to create my own world. A world where I am special and important. A world when my wants is the priority and I am the authority. I need to create my own happiness by making sure that myself always comes first. After that, I am sure. I am sure that the time will come that the courage I need will be at that right time, falling inlove will be on that perfect moment and person.


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