Day 23 - Being Old Together

Him, beside me.
We, watching how the sun glimmer on the vast sky above the ocean which radiates a calming presence of life.
The silence, integrating the two of us into a solitude no one would ever understand.
The surge of water was the only audible sound that fill our ears.
That was paradise.
A heaven only, we, saw.
A happiness only, we, have felt.
The only wish I had that time is for this to stay the same. For this to permanently carve in the depth of our existence. 

Who would have thought that I will sit here, in this same seat 10 years after, alone?
No one expected that the ending would be as cruel as this. I never thought that you would leave me, hanging on the promises we've made, imagining how good it will be if only both of us stay the same. But this is reality. And reality knows no bound when putting salt in a wounded heart. It knows no limitation and boundaries. 

Lovely, it still is.
The scent of the water while it continuously sinks on the ocean sand.
The shade of the sunset while its being slowly taken by the darkness.
All is a familiar feeling of happiness and contentment.
However, a new and painful one, a thorn stuck in my heart, a wavering pattern of exhaustion and hopelessness is starting to grow and takeover me.
Never did I expect that I will be left alone without him.
Him, leaving before me, without any signs and notice is unbearable.

The thought of him not breathing, not smiling, not living is an agonizing memory that I will never ever forget. The dream of us being together on our lifetime now became just a petty dream. It became an impossible goal in just a blink of an eye. It felt like an invisible glass is being shattered inside of me. 

I never imagine that this place will be an agonizing one. That sitting here will make my head turn into a mess. That no matter how hard I cry, no matter how hard I shout your name, no matter how I miss being beside you, it just won't happen. And I can't bear it. 

"When will you stop? It's been four years. Why don't you appreciate those people who are still there to support you? Those who keep on loving you?" I heard a voice behind me said. 

"You won't understand. You just can't. You never experience it. How can I forget something so genuine, and precious? He's my life. He's everything to me." I burst my stress to him and end up crying again. Even if I can bury these feelings, I won't. 

It will stay with me, I want it to stay with me. Till my last breath.

"I never experience it?" He said after giving a mocking laugh. 

"Do you know how much I feel hurt everyday? Do you know how painful it is watching the one you love destroying her life and you can't do anything? You can't understand it. You don't know how much I wanted you to recover. You don't know how I've wanted to always stay beside you, to help you, to love you. But you are not giving me any chance to do so." He added. His voice is full of misery.

This is the first time I felt something sincere after the day of his death. This is the first time a person get through the wall I've built. Am I wrong? Did the wall I purposely create to protect me just rendered me incapable of understanding those people around me?