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Day 17 - Washing Something

Sitting on a round small chair, I desperately wash the red fluids on my hands. It stinks of mess, of something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The singing of the heron made me realize that it was already a deep night. Most people are now absorbing on their slumber and that will be good. I don't want anyone know what I have done. 

Still washing my hands full of his life, I cannot help but tremble in fear. Should I run away from this place, hide somewhere far away from the people who know me? Should I hide him, bury his body like all movie characters do? I stare at his lifeless form, his body was already rigid, the eyes once bright and positive is now deadpan. 

"I'm sorry. I really am."

Unconsciously, I hug him tight and the blood which I have already washed from my hands earlier is again starting to fill it. I'm not at fault. He forced me to do this do him. He became something I don't know of. It scared me. But now that he is in front of me, his face became familiar again. The him whom I love and care for being here beside me. It pains me that he won't answer me anymore. No matter how much I call his name, how many tears I cried, his existence is no longer there. It already departed his body. 

Flashbacks come running on my mind. His hands grabbing me and pushing me on my bed, harassing and touching every part of my body. He is like a wild animal, ready to devour anything on its sight. The calmness on him was out of reach. His eyes show no sentiment, it was all malice and concupiscence. It felt like he will kill me after using me all he want. 

I slump in my seat. Taking in every memory we had, every happiness we've shared, every little thing I can remember of him. I let it sink on me. I know that darkness is starting to grow within me. The little blaze in my heart has turned into a black, stained ecstasy. It is making me feel amazing. 

Reaching the sink again, I do the best I can to wash any sign of his blood on my body. The smell of his taken life is everywhere. It felt like he's just there, watching me as I struggle on living. I grabbed anything that can help me remove all the external stains. Anything that can help me reduce the scent of him in me will do. Washing my body in the middle of the night, where pure water turns into crimson on my feet, is something I don't imagine but it is here. If I can only wake up on this nightmare, I already did. 

Realizing I only have hours left before the sun wake up, I tossed everything I need on my backpack. Wallet, clothes, instant foods, everything within my reach. I let out a heavy sigh and started running away. This is the only option I can make. I'll run away. I'll throw everything away. His existence. Our memories. My happiness. This is the consequence of what I've made. This is my punishment for myself.  

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