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Day 16 - Needing Each Other

"What are you trying to do? You idiot. Don't you ever do that again." He said while his sweat comes rushing from his forehead down to his chin. 

He is breathing heavily and his fist is now clenching on the blade of the knife I'm holding. The sharp silver metal is slowly turning into a red one as the cut on his hand makes the blood flow on it. I feel pain on his stead. I feel sorry for what I'm about to do. Making a face like that, anyone will feel guilty.

"Sorry." Said I with a very low voice, not wanting to stare at his eyes, not wanting to meet his gaze. 

"Tell me, what can I do to help? What should I do so that you won't leave me?" His eyes are full of sincerity, seriousness, and desperation. His bloodied hands are now resting on my cheeks. It's trying to stop the tears falling from my eyes. 

I want to believe in him. I want to say I will stay. That I won't go anywhere, but I can't. Not when the world all do is push me down, where hope is nowhere to be found, where loving someone is just a strange, fleeting temporary emotion that will leave you broken. 

"How would I know you'll stay? How would I know that you are not lying? Most of the people I know is so damn an actor. They gave the best kind of things I've ever wanted. Attention, care, gifts, time, anything. They do their very best to make my life theirs. But then what? What of it? Why after giving it to them, everything turns out to be a mess. The pain grows, heartache burns my soul. I feel empty, like no one can ever take away that deep thorn on my core."

"H-hey. Don't say that. I won't leave you. I promise." His eyes showed pity. The loneliness I'm feeling right now acts like a poison on his innocent heart. He does not know sadness, agony, betrayal. He lives a life full of amazing people. He is treasured and cherished. No matter how I crawl on both my arms and legs, how excruciating my memories wrap my mind, how deadly a person's existence can be, he will not understand it. A time where I will be saved won't come. Expecting will just lead me more astray. 

I gave him a smile. There won't be a next time. My final mask has been blown apart. Nothing can fix it, and no one can bring it back. I will just accept it. Accept that life is just an ongoing cycle of disappointments, regrets and suffering. Pain is normal, it will lead you to the madness that all human should have. It will slowly attack your sanity, leaving you numb and broken. Leaving you with nothing but a realization that no matter how much you struggle, you won't escape that truth. 

It hurts. It fucking hurts. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm sinking so low. It is so dark. The coldness in my heart already overtakes my body. I started walking away from him, from all of them. 

"Don't follow me. Please." I ordered him after seeing his shadow in the corner of my eye. 

"But-" 

"Please." Said I, and completely vanished within the reach of his eyes. 

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